Power & Control vs Equality


Violence

  • Coercion and threats:
    Making and/or carrying out threats to do harm; Threatening to leave, commit suicide or report to welfare; Forcing to drop charges; Forcing to commit illegal acts.
  • Male Privilege:
    Treating partner like a servant; Making all the big decisions; Acting like the "master of the castle;" Being the one to define the roles.
  • Economic Abuse:
    Preventing partner from seeking or keeping a job; Making partner ask for money, providing an allowance or taking away money; Preventing knowledge about, or access to, family income.
  • Using Children:
    Making partner feel guilty about the children; Using children to relay messages; Using visitation as harassment; Threatening to take children away.
  • Minimizing, Denying and Blaming:
    Making light of the abuse and not taking concerns seriously; Saying the abuse didn't happen; Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior; Saying the partner caused it.
  • Isolation:
    Controlling what the partner does, who they see and talk to, what they read and where they go; Limiting outside involvement; Using jealousy to justify actions.
  • Emotional Abuse:
    Putting the partner down; Making partner feel bad about themselves; Calling names; Making partner feel they're crazy; Playing mind games; Humiliating them; Making them feel guilty.
  • Intimidation:
    Making partner afraid using looks, actions and gestures; Smashing things; Destroying partner property; Abusing pets; Displaying weapons.

Nonviolence

  • Negotiation and Fairness:
    Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict; Accepting changes; Being willing to compromise.
  • Economic Partnership:
    Making money decisions together; Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.
  • Shared Responsibility:
    Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work; making family decisions together.
  • Responsible Parenting:
    Sharing parental responsibilities; Being a positive, non-violent role model for the children.
  • Honesty and Accountability:
    Accepting responsibility for self; Acknowledging past use of violence; Admitting being wrong; Communicating openly and truthfully.
  • Trust and Support:
    Supporting partner goals in life; Respecting rights to each others feelings, friends, activities and opinions.
  • Respect:
    Listening without being judgmental; Being emotionally affirming and understanding; Valuing each others opinions
  • Non-Threatening Behavior:
    Talking and acting so partner feels safe and comfortable expressing themselves and doing things.
Diagram of behavior of a non-healthy, violent relationship.
Diagram of behavior of a healthy, non-violent relationship.